Signifier Signified

I was sitting in class today, hearing about how what we desire is what we never get.
It's a world of images, images of our self that we see and those that we try to live up to, all the time traumatizing the real. The real, that existed before we learnt how to express everything except that.

I was thinking then, that we murder everyday little by little of what we are, by trying to fit into structures and language. The need to perfectly express everything gradually desiccates what we want to say, what ought to be said. Our desire then is just a desire for lack, always pretending that we want fulfillment whereas actually always scared that the sense of inadequacy will suddenly disappear one day, Leaving us complete and perhaps real.

Why can some conversations only happen in the dark, when the lights go off and you can no longer be reflected in another pair of eyes? why does one feign happiness to the extent that it's almost comic how sad you actually are? how can fears and doubts just go away in a day because you want them to? why do you practice drifting away in your head so many times that you almost desire it, but when the dream is over you feel the desperate need to hold on and frantically make that call, all the while sounding 'normal'? why do you pretend to not see? why do you pretend to not feel?

It's the image of myself that i saw, happy, smiling, normal, in control. This is the image i sold, also to myself.

There's this dream that i often have, of being chased on a street, you're tying to run but can't, like your legs are tied together by some imaginary thread and you try so hard to snap it but you can not because it's not actually there, so you keep running helplessly. You keep running until you're so tired that your eyelids feel heavy with the effort of resisting opening. The next day you hardly remember the dream, in spite of having seen it over and over again. Do i forget to actually forget? or is it because i want to see it again, run helplessly again?

Fear, love, hope, tenderness,reassurance,stability- an endless list of signifiers. I ask for them because i don't know how ask for what i want, but at least now i know that you and i existed before everything. That there is something that will keep our secret by never being expressed, even between us.